Bob Rich’s Self-Therapy Guide: The Destination

In this series, Dr. Bob Rich teaches you how to leave behind depression, anxiety, and other forms of suffering all too common in our crazy world. Recovering the Self published three sections of Bob Rich’s book From Depression to Contentment: A self-therapy guide in a series of posts – the first section ending with the quest for meaning and the second section concluding with The Development of Resilience.

The third section of Bob’s work was marked by special attention to various techniques and practices that are helpful in controlling depression. It concluded with a discussion on values and their implication in therapy. Bob now shares the final section of his self-therapy guide that delves deeper into the practical side of his therapy work illustrating with examples from individual cases of his own patients. The first post in this section is called The Destination.

The Destination

In 2009, “Tom,” a suicidally depressed 16-year-old, wrote me a long and pain-filled email. He felt he had no friends, no future, no chance of ever finding love. He wasn’t bullied, since he had a brown belt in Karate, but was always the last to be picked for a team, always on the outer. He believed no one liked him, and more, that no one could like him. Here is my answer:

Dear Tom,

When I was your age, I was where you are now. I had no friends. I had no family even, because I lived in a migrant hostel and my family were on the other side of earth. I was good at fighting (did judo and boxing), so physically I was OK, but I felt terribly isolated. I dreamed about having a girlfriend, but believed it would never happen, no matter how long I lived. After all, what girl would possibly love me?

Now, I have a wide range of friends, people who speak highly of me. When I meet people, they always react to me with liking. Even if I walk down the street, strangers smile at me. I’ve been married (to the same person) for 42.5 years, have three terrific children, and grandchildren. I have a wonderful career that gives me a lot of satisfaction, and in which I am of benefit to other people. If I could do it, so can you.

I was isolated and picked on until I was in my early 20s. Then it stopped. I have worked out the reason: until then I thought like a victim and was treated like a victim. After that, I accepted and respected myself, so the energy I sent out induced others to respect me.

My depression came from an abusive stepfather. I met him again when I was 21. To my surprise, I liked the old bastard. I pitied him, so could no longer hate him. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, looking back I see that this was the start of my healing.

Tom, depression is an inner monster that moves in when you’re a little child. It whispers lies to you and is very good at making you believe that these lies are your own thoughts. To be subject to depression, you need to have distorted inner beliefs in three families, and I can see that you have all three. These are:

1. “I am faulty.” In my case, I just knew I was stupid, and ugly, and could never do anything right, and anybody who knew me could not possibly love me.
2. “The world is a bad place.” You have this one ++.
3. “There is no hope, nothing can ever help.”

These beliefs are self-damaging, and false. Where they have an element of truth, that is twisted and distorted to make it mean something much worse than it actually is.

Over time, I have developed new beliefs. Here are a few:

1. If someone else can do it, I can learn it.
2. The more you give, the more you get.
3. I am perfect. Some of the things I do are excellent, some are OK, and the rest are the growing edges where I have the opportunity to improve.
4. There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

I got to where I am now through my own efforts, over many years. You can do the same. However, you can shorten the journey by having a few sessions with a good psychologist. I don’t know your financial circumstances, but spending the money could be the best investment your parents will ever make in your future.

And consider me your grandfather.

Bob

To my delight, I got the following reply:

Dear Dr. Bob,

I would just like to say thank you soo much for ur help and feelings toward me. You made my birthday soo much better and more meaningful. I was feeling down on my birthday and just got your reply the day after. I want to say I am soo glad you responded because I feel that my depression has worsened since I first experienced it. I was feeling at an all-time low. I had even devoted my soul to the devil and was on the verge of practicing Satanism. You really helped and I am in the process of repenting to God right now and getting my life on track. Today is the start of a new me. Thx! Bob

Tom

Naturally, I dashed off an immediate reply, though I didn’t copy his spelling.

Tom, the Devil is an invention: a personification of evil acts by people. We’re all children of God, with free will. God isn’t an old puppeteer sitting on a cloud, but the principle of Love in your heart that you need to develop, and that’s the purpose of your life. Even the most evil acts are done by people who could do differently if they only knew they had the choice.

Do an experiment. Go out and find some little kindness you can do, then keep it a secret. It can be as little as picking up a bit of trash on the street and putting it in a bin. The point of keeping it a secret is that a good deed is its own reward. Someone else’s appreciation or gratitude is a reward, and that gets in the way.

Note how you feel when you deliberately and self-aware do a secret good deed.

This is the Jewish custom of Mitzvah. I do my best to find at least one Mitzvah to do a day. When I do it, I say “Mitzvah!” in my mind, or even aloud.

🙂

Bob

Our correspondence went on for years, and petered out when Tom went to college, and found a sweetheart. He was very proud when he qualified for a Karate black belt.

The reason I have reproduced it here is that the therapist’s answers could not possibly have been written by someone still at risk of depression. The words are from a place of inner, deep contentment and self-respect. How did I get there? And how did I know I’d arrived?

My first book was published, fruit of several years of work. The publisher had organized a series of media interviews, and I was raring to go, feeling on the top of the world.

In the shower, a melody came into my mind, and I sang it at the top of my voice (out of tune, but no one could hear me). Something was odd. For the previous 22 years, that tune had signaled depression in a 1:1 association. If I thought of the tune, I’d crash. If I crashed for some other reason, the tune would start within my head. But here I was, singing it, and staying happy.

That’s when I knew that after two years of self-therapy and twenty years of merely being able to control depression, I was actually free of it.

Before we go on, here is a note about a disagreement I have with every expert in positive psychology, and probably with most other people. All the way back to Aristotle, they all talk about happiness. I prefer contentment. Happiness is when my current feeling of wellbeing is above what’s normal for me; unhappiness when it’s below that. However, I can be currently unhappy or dissatisfied, and yet be content with life.

So, in all the recommendations below, I am offering you tools for long term contentment, regardless of moment-to-moment fluctuations in happiness.

Contentment is a skill you can learn, and improve with practice.

Let’s examine key aspects of the life of someone who used to suffer from depression.

Not happiness ever after

Life varies; mood varies with it. When there are losses or disappointments, it’s legitimate to grieve. You won’t glow with joy when things go wrong. Expect to be down if you catch the flu, because the immune system uses heaps of energy, so you can’t be your vibrant new self for now. When you see others suffer, it’s appropriate to feel sad on their behalf. And it’s OK to be sad occasionally, for no particular reason. Everyone has ups and downs. Change is the only constant, and this, too, shall pass.

Still, such realistic sources of low mood will be interlaced with good times. Their nature depends on, well, your nature. After years of carrying around the habits of depression, you mightn’t become the life-of-the-party, ebullient extravert. If you do, great. But it’s also fine to revel in the quiet joys of an introvert.

Remember the concept of hedonic adaptation? Regardless of our circumstances, we tend to revert to much the same level of contentment. That may sound like doom: are we destined to stay in the pits?

No, because the level of hedonic adaptation can move. This was shown by Sonja Lyuobomirsky, who also reviewed lots of research by others. She demonstrated that what people do influences their long term wellbeing. Remember, Socrates said, “Seem the man you wish to be.”

For 20 years, I was OK, most of the time. A trigger would come along, and I’d crash. Then, I used a few of the tools I’ve outlined above to climb out of the pit again — until the next crash.

Without realizing it, however, during this time I was also doing many of the things that lift long term mood, as shown by later research into positive psychology. This time, rather than reinventing the wheel, I invented it before others, without knowing that there was such a thing. My little changes added up, and it’ll be my joy if they do the same for you.

I am still an introvert; a loner by choice. My conversation is fine if I have something to talk about: it’s information, not lubrication. I enjoy beauty, laugh at jokes, love children, whom I see as human puppies. Because I want a future for them, and a future worth living in, I’m a passionate environmental and humanitarian activist, and a Professional Grandfather.

I end up on the committee of every group I join, and revel in the fact that, wherever I go, people value my help and advice. In my one remaining paying activity, I am as much a teacher as an editor, doing my best to give more value than the money I receive. Everything I do is aimed at transforming a global culture of greed and conflict into one of compassion and cooperation, for two reasons: it’s a better world to live in, and it’s the path to survival for all complex life on earth. This gives me meaning and purpose, which in turn makes life worthwhile, whatever happens to me personally. I follow Mother Teresa’s advice to help one person at a time, and to choose the one nearest to me.

I get a lot of pleasure out of physical exercise, though it’s a mere shadow of what I could do ten years ago. And writing is the chocolate icing on the cake of life.

As a depressed young fellow, I compulsively helped others, as a distraction from my own woes, and I guess to try to buy affection and belonging. Now, I am of service to others, the only reason being that it gives me satisfaction. The more you give, the more you get. Decades ago, I replaced thoughts like “Oh, I wish I was dead!” with a different kind: “It’s OK if I die tonight, and it’s OK if I live another twenty years. It’s how well, not how long.” I’d still be happy not to be a human, on this crazy planet, being forced to witness all the suffering, but this is compassion for others, not sadness for myself.

In the next post, we’ll examine the tools that will take you to your equivalent, which will be different from mine in its details.

– Dr. Bob Rich

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