Relationships
Bob Rich’s Self-Therapy Guide: Inducing Change and Growth
In this series, Dr. Bob Rich teaches you how to leave behind depression, anxiety, and other forms of suffering all too common in our crazy world. Recovering the Self published three sections of Bob Rich’s book From Depression to Contentment: A self-therapy guide in a series of posts – the first section ending with the quest for meaning and the second section concluding with The Development of Resilience.
The third section of Bob’s work was marked by special attention to various techniques and practices that are helpful in controlling depression. It concluded with a discussion on values and their implication in therapy. Bob now shares the final section of his self-therapy guide that delves deeper into the practical side of his therapy work illustrating with examples from individual cases of his own patients.
In the previous part, Bob discussed the issue of depression in a family member. Here he talks about the nuts and bolts of the healing relationship for positive change and growth.
The Healing Relationship
Carl Rogers was the first person to systematically apply the scientific method to psychotherapy. His work established that inner growth is facilitated when a person is in a certain, very special social situation: with someone who reacts with “empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard.”
Empathy
This word has entered common language, but it’s worth a brief discussion. It isn’t sympathy (feeling sorry for), but more like “I appreciate where you’re coming from.” When someone shows empathy for me, I feel understood, accepted, valued.
However, this is not “I know how you feel,” but more like “I can see you’re suffering and am here for you.”
Unconditional positive regard
Rogers didn’t want to use “love,” because of its multiple meanings, particularly the romantic/sexual one. He meant what I have called metta. “Whatever you have done, whatever you may do in the future, I deeply and honestly care for your welfare.” Metta doesn’t excuse bad behavior but responds with love anyway.
When my son was a toddler, he sometimes refused to obey until he got a little smack on the (well-padded) bottom. This wasn’t physical punishment, since it didn’t cause pain, but more an attention grabber. Invariably, about five minutes later, he’d climb onto my lap to show he “forgave me.” An age-appropriate version of this is what we need. For example, you might say to a teenager, “However much I love you, I won’t accept you speaking to me in that tone of voice.”
Genuineness
People pick up false metta, and false empathy. Pretense won’t work.
How to use this in helping others
The Dalai Lama has written that the reason we should work at becoming enlightened is that this enables us to be of service to others.
When intuitively, automatically, without effort, you always react to everyone with the Rogerian virtues, you have become enlightened. Heaven knows, I am not there yet: I often react to people with negative emotions. However, every such situation is a training opportunity. I need to ACT as if I were enlightened, and genuinely treat people with empathy and metta. And yes, this is perfectly possible. It needs a suitable reminder, such as “I need to reject the action, but accept the person.”
When you do this, you become an agent for change. Most people, though of course not all, will react to you as a rainbow in their lives.
You will succeed in this on some occasions, not at other times. That’s fine. Apprentice Buddhas don’t yet need to be perfect, and knowingly or unknowingly, all of us are apprentice Buddhas. Celebrate your successes, and accept your slipbacks with equanimity.
Also, you’re allowed to be human. Perfection is so boring!
Homework
Remember the three Rogerian virtues of empathy, genuineness and metta. Practice them with everyone, as far as you can. You only need to do the best you can, in this instant.
The Power of Showing
A huge body of research indicates that a youngster can achieve enormous changes by deciding to imitate an admired role model. As a teenager, I had the benefit of copying several wonderful adults I think of as my “angels.” I can now be your guide because I decided to be like these people.
I wrote a short story demonstrating the power of modeling for an earlier draft of this book, but my publisher wants me to keep word count below 50,000. So, you’ll find it at my blog: Armour-coating our kids. The link is https://wp.me/p3Xihq-1fR
In Hit and Run, Sylvia transformed the young multiple murderer simply by being herself. Despite all his abuse, her reaction was to help with his concern for his little brother, who was the only person he loved. She was the first adult, ever, who’d treated him with respect and caring, so he decided to become like her, at first only with language (because she’d convinced him that this enabled him to get his way). Through the many twists of the story, he found an increasing number of positive role models.
Research shows this works even for drug abusing, alcoholic, violent kids from the slums, so it’ll work for your child, who doubtless has far fewer problems.
So, back to the previous section. Act in the way you would like your child to be as an adult. There is no need for explanations and lectures, but you can use a little trick.
When making changes, you need to pick on one identifiable habit at a time.
“Michelle, darling, I decided to do something very difficult and need your help.”
“Uh, what?”
“You know how I sometimes shout at you kids when you break family rules?”
She pulls a face. “Yeah, I’ve noticed.”
“From now on, I’ll do my best to speak calmly but firmly, correcting your behavior, but with love. When I manage it, I want you to notice, and show your appreciation. And when I fail, and go back to the old way, I’d like you to simply say, “Hey mom, you’re shouting again.”
This does many things:
- Gives power to the child, which is especially useful for someone struggling with depression.
- It’s actually extremely useful for you in achieving your habit change.
- It’s highly likely to provide her with a role model to copy.
- It breaks an ongoing negative cycle, transforming a source of conflict into one of cooperation.
- When she corrects you, I have no doubt that both of you will burst out laughing.
- Finally, it is highly likely to improve the kids’ behavior.
– Dr. Bob Rich
