Bob Rich’s Self-Therapy Guide: Helping an Adult

In this series, Dr. Bob Rich teaches you how to leave behind depression, anxiety, and other forms of suffering all too common in our crazy world. Recovering the Self published three sections of Bob Rich’s book From Depression to Contentment: A self-therapy guide in a series of posts – the first section ending with the quest for meaning and the second section concluding with The Development of Resilience.

The third section of Bob’s work was marked by special attention to various techniques and practices that are helpful in controlling depression. It concluded with a discussion on values and their implication in therapy. Bob now shares the final section of his self-therapy guide that delves deeper into the practical side of his therapy work illustrating with examples from individual cases of his own patients.

In the previous part, Bob talked about the nuts and bolts of the healing relationship for positive change and growth. Here he touches on the best ways to reach out to a grown-up loved one who is suffering from depression and unwilling to seek help.

Helping an Adult

Nina was the receptionist at a high-power business. One day, after she’d done a conscientious job of helping a middle-aged customer, he said, “Miss, I wouldn’t want to be married to you!” He had a twinkle in his eyes, though, so she decided not to take this comment at face value.

“I’m devastated,” she answered with a smile. “What have I done to deserve a rejection?”

“You’re so nice at work, you just HAVE TO crash and be a grumpy harridan at home.”

Sure, this is funny, but it’s based on truth. Many people struggling with depression do exactly that. Have you noticed, often we’re at our worst when we feel safe? I used to lecture to hundreds of students, train tutors and run tutorials of my own, and nobody would have guessed the empty space I felt myself to be. When I got home, I could crawl into a hole and pull it in after myself.

Someone who bleeds behind the happy mask may acknowledge the depression, or may be in denial. If your loved one is the first kind, help is available. Eight to twenty sessions with a good psychologist, or a conscientious application of my program here, can enable this person to make lifelong changes. You may have to insist, and be forceful about it, like Shirley was with Giles (page 22), though tough love doesn’t need to go to the extent of ending the relationship. “I’m here for you, whatever happens, whatever you do, but I hope you realize that your depression is causing me misery, too. For my sake, see a psychologist.”

Denial is much harder to deal with. As usual, argument, the presentation of facts, is unlikely to work.

First, you need to protect yourself. For this, the “assertive formula” is ideal:

So: “Darling, I’m alone at home with the baby all day. When you come home and hide behind your computer, I feel like a single mom. Talk to me. Tell me about your day, take an interest in mine.”

“Susie, sorry, I just don’t have the energy!”

“I think it’s more than that. When was the last time you had a good laugh, at home not at work?”

Don’t push too hard, but plant seeds for thought. He isn’t doing this to cause harm, but because he is suffering. Empathy and metta go a long way. Requesting couple therapy can work. In the presence of a professional, you can state your opinion that your partner is depressed, and list the evidence.

Positive psychology can also be very helpful.

Jacob often came home to find the breakfast dishes still in the sink, bed unmade. Since Carol had lost her job, she spent all day sitting in front of the TV with a blank look. She once actually asked, “Oh, did you forget something?”

“No. It’s late afternoon and I’m home from work.”

“Oh.”

She, however, denied that there was anything wrong. “I’m just a little tired, that’s all.”

He couldn’t get her to see a psychologist, so came to me himself. I did second hand therapy with her, by teaching him many positive psychology techniques like the list in Part 5, particularly those that involve being of service to others. He then practiced them himself, quite ostentatiously. She did get intrigued, and tried out a few. To her own surprise, she found herself laughing on occasion, and gaining energy to become more active.

For her birthday, Jacob bought her two books: the Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness, and Martin Seligman’s Authentic Happiness.

Two weeks later, she made an appointment with me to deal with her depression.

Homework

Don’t do anything immediately, whatever the age of your loved one, or the relationship between the two of you. Think about the issues, and go gently, with empathy and metta.

And small steps go a long way.

– Dr. Bob Rich

• denial in depression
• depressed adults
• Dr. Bob Rich
• helping an adult
• resistance to therapy