Writing
Writing to Heal
by Kristin Schultz
Writing has been instrumental in my life. I have relied on writing since I was a child. I have used writing as a vehicle to communicate, a way to release pent-up thoughts and feelings, and I have used it to work through problems.
It takes time for me to translate my inner world into spoken language. Being able to find the right words for feelings, thoughts, and multi-sensory memories unlocks the possibility for understanding and connection with readers. Typically, I pause and struggle to find words during conversations. I can’t seem to come up with words quickly or accurately since my inner world is often confusing and murky. Writing gives me time to find my voice.
Starting with a sexual trauma that I told my mom about in a 10-year-old’s large handwriting with challenged spelling, I was able to convey some of my experience when speaking felt too hard. Somehow writing helped bypass the shame I was experiencing.
As a teen, when I saw my first therapist, I brought her my journal to read. In college, I wrote letters to my therapist in between sessions about my feelings of paranoia as well as urges to harm myself. I sat in silence in sessions and the most progress we made happened after I wrote. We used those letters as a launching off point. She was better able to understand what I was dealing with in order to help me.
I had a psychotic break when I was 19 and was in and out of hospitals for years. I wrote in journals, on slips of paper, and on the back of my psychiatric appointment cards. In this way, I have years of documentation of my thoughts, feelings, and interactions. In these notes I described the voices I heard, described my paranoid thoughts, and portrayed my hopelessness and the depths of my depression. I had a fantasy that someday it would all be included in a book. Having these has helped me better recall all that I’ve been through.
Years later when I decided to write my memoir, I spent time reading these snapshots of my life. I looked at my 20 or so journals, multiple folders full of scraps of papers, and stacks of appointment cards. I started extracting stories from them and using them to better understand what I was like then, how I got better, and to help integrate the “I then” with the “I now.” When I read my writing from the past, it brings me right back to that time. I can see things I wrote then with the wisdom I have now. I can trace how my thoughts, feelings, and experiences have changed me.
The process of writing my memoir has been a healing journey. I send my therapist chapters, excerpts, or reflections on new information I uncover. She and I discuss these writings and this sharing is invaluable. Now I write to help reframe experiences, make sense of traumatic things that have happened, such as repeated hospitalizations, and to better understand myself.
Maybe I have always written to better understand myself. When I let words flow out of me, I release knowledge and insight of which I am not fully aware. Often the things I write feel so obvious while I’m writing them and it feels like I am not saying anything special or insightful. Then when I step back, I realize (or someone else notes) that I have unveiled something important or essential about myself. Some truth that I have overlooked. Sometimes unconscious or subconscious thoughts. Worries I could not even whisper flow onto the page, such as fears that I could get sick again and lose all I have gained. Feelings, such as guilt, shame, and anger that are buried deep and experienced in bursts, then squelched are revealed through the slow process of finding words to perfectly capture my inner experience.
As I near the completion of my memoir, I am choosing to open my journey to the world. It is my hope that the words I have chosen will allow others to join me, understand me, and possibly learn something about mental health and the use of writing in recovery.
About the Author
Kristin Schultz holds a doctoral degree in psychology from William James College. She regularly writes in her field. She has taken several creative nonfiction writing courses through Grub Street as well as a 10-month Memoir Manuscript Workshop through Pioneer Valley Writer’s Workshop. She has been active in mental health advocacy and awareness and has presented in various venues through the National Alliance on Mental Illness. She has participated on a panel for Recovery is Real. She lives in Maynard Massachusetts with her dog Izzie and 2 cats.
