Recovering The SelfA Journal of Hope and Healing


Love Hurts? Think Again!

Guest Blogger: Trevor Emdon

Heartbreak is a lousy feeling. No? Let’s say that another way. Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world, give or take. Nobody in their right mind would risk it a second, third, or tenth time. There’s just one problem, however.  Love – and the desire for love – doesn’t come from your mind; it comes from your heart. Just how do you dare to get back in the dating scene, risking all that love and commitment stuff, once you’ve been through the mill of having loved and lost?

I’m going to attempt to be helpful. Just open your mind a little and a sprinkling of magic may come your way…

Love doesn’t hurt!

By definition, love doesn’t hurt. Losing love hurts. Endings and farewells can be excruciating. But not love. The problem is that to have one you have to risk the other. So how can you shield yourself against the possibility of more pain? There are no insurance policies you can take out against heartbreak.

The big mistake to avoid is in thinking that you can extract the guarantee you need from the person you meet. He or she will be taking exactly the same risks as you, for one thing. And for another, the past does not equal the future.

Leave your emotional baggage behind

Taking your emotional baggage into the next relationship is doing both of you a disservice. Remember, at our core, we all have the same needs and the primary one is to be loved. No one is going into a relationship intending to be hurt – or to cause it.

The new person doesn’t have any history with you, so why would they want to hurt you? If alarm bells ring because he or she reminds you in some ways of a previous partner who caused you pain that maybe because you are attracted to similar types.

Look within – Or go without

It’s a tough lesson, but in the arena of relationships more than anywhere else, you need to look at yourself just as hard as you look at the other person. The idea isn’t to pull up all your faults, but it is helpful if you can face up to how many of your demands come from fear.

If you find yourself irrationally annoyed because of the way your new date uses a knife and fork, (or some other trivial matter), the worst thing you can do is to set about trying to change their odd cutlery habit. Instead, take some time out and ask yourself why such things might matter to you so much. Seeking perfection in another is really a quest for absolute certainty, which is not available in life anywhere, and most definitely not in relationships.

How to find happiness and love again

The key is to enjoy the new person one date at a time. Go out on each date with the mindset that you are just going to enjoy an evening in the company of another human being. No matter who it is, that person has a story to tell. They have hopes and fears and dreams and desires – just as you do. Get immersed in a discovery about those things and you’re almost guaranteed a good time.

Yes, it helps if that’s reciprocated too.

If, at the end of the date, both of you feel you’d like more of the other’s company, then arrange another meeting. Take the same approach with that meeting too.

Using the “one-date-at-a-time” approach takes you out of the mindset of mentally checking all your boxes and assessing the other person to see if they are “the one”. Reduce the list in your mind to just one box: Did I have a good time tonight, (or over lunch – whatever it was)? “Yes” means you’ll see them again. And “no” is a polite decline.

If it’s a “maybe”, here’s what to do. Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Lock yourself in and take out a coin. Heads, you’ll see them again; tails, you won’t. Now toss the coin. If you’re disappointed with the result, do the opposite! And if you like the way it lands, go with that impulse.

What are you doing? Why, you’re following your heart, of course, and your heart will always lead you to love.


About The Author

Trevor Emdon is a British success coach and author, (The Book of Being – Easy Reality Creation With Or Without The Law Of Attraction), who trained in everything from psychotherapy to metaphysics and one day woke up to realize he was happy, in love, and successful. His biggest disappointment in life is that far too many people have a “default setting” of worry. He writes and teaches success, happiness, and personal fulfillment programs. His mission statement is “Changing lives for the better forever.” His powerful program, “The Magic Of Moving On – Finding The Courage To Love Again After Heartbreak or Loss” is a must for anyone nervous of dipping into the dating game again. Click here for full details

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Recovering The Self is a forum for people to tell their stories. Individual contributors accept complete responsibility for the veracity, accuracy, and non-infringement of their reporting.
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